Pizza AGAIN

Tonight the kids were gone. I made a Boboli pizza. I ate the whole thing. THE WHOLE F'EN PIZZA!!! I am disgusted with myself and I feel like crap. Literally. My tummy isn't digesting it well.

I worked out on the elliptical for 45 minutes. I have been folloing up my elliptical with crunches but tonight my tummy just couldn't take it.

I am so disappointed in myself. Why do I do this??? Everything I read says it is supposed to be emotional. The whole binging thing. OK, maybe. I could see it. I was supposed to go car shopping with my dad. Which in an of itself is emotional. I am losing the van to repo after the BK. I still haven't gotten the Ford from G and will probably just end up turning it over to him. My parents are bailing me out and buying me a car. And yet I am excited to get a "new" car. And yet I am not excited about the prospect of being more indebted to my parents.

Then I posted on FB today about daycares. I am stressed over daycare for the kids. Not just that but I really want Savannah in preschool. A good preschool where she will learn. Well, then my brother jumps on and starts talking about me quitting my job and just going to school myself. I could live on student loans and then I would qualify for all the state programs I don't qualify for now. I have to admit it is temping. I have been wanting to go back to school for years but always have an excuse. I have thought about this many times. Even before the divorce I was considering it. But it is scary to leave a job that you have been at for 9 years and just be jobless. To have to rely on state welfare programs and school loans. Not to mention the fact that my mom has told me how much she HATES the idea. And frankly I feel like I can't do anything without her permission because she pays for everything for me and supports me and my kids. And that is a depressing thought. I am a 31 year old kid being taken care of by mommy. And I don't like the fact that she is SO involved in my life and gets to be a part of these desicions. But I don't know what else to do. I can't even afford to put my kid in preschool let alone pay for a car or even a place to live. So what the hell am I supposed to do???

Ok, I can see how I ate the whole pizza. But dammit I still fell like shit. Only now I fell worse. Thanks pizza. Thank you for mkaing me fell like shit all over. I know, it wasn't the pizza. It was me. I was the one who ate it. And I am the one who put myself in this situation. And I need to buck up and be strong like usual. Tomorrow is another day. Another day to eat right and exercise right. And another day to figure out what to do about my life and my kids lives. Tomorrow is another day.

Pizza and the downfall

So last night I needed a fast dinner for me and the kids. After talking with some friends I realized I had flat bread, pizza sauce, and cheese and we could make pizzas and then they wouldn't take long to cook. But as the day wore on I couldn't forget the fact that I had a Red Baron frozen pizza in my fridge. I LOVE Red Baron Pizza. They are tasty, crispy and quick. There have been times I have chosen the Red Baron over ordering out for pizza. That is how much I love them. But after buying it I had read the nutrition details and had yet to cave to the temptation of all that fat and sodium. Until last night...

I was smart about it. I added it into my diary. Calculated the calories and fat. Worked my meals around it and decided I could "afford" it. I would just make sure to chug some lemon water to clear up the sodium before Sunday's weigh in. I was so excited! I could finally eat my favorite pizza and not have to pay for it! Plus, it would get it out of my freezer and then I wouldn't have to look at it almost every day. I just had to stay smart about it.

I got home and cooked the pizza. I cut the kids their pieces. Than I cut my two pieces. It was heaven. The only thing that would have made it better was to have a Coke to go with it. But I, of course, don't keep Coke in my house. For the same reason I will not be buying another Red Baron pizza. Temptation. So I dutifully chugged my water. I finished my 2 slices but I wanted more. I went and cut another small slice. What the hell. I had worked my food diary to I was just even with my calories for the day. And that was my pre-workout calories. I could easily burn off the extra little slice. I finished and then me and the kids moved on with our night.

I got the kids in bed and then sat down to watch Idol. Every commercial break I would wander in the kitchen. I do this a lot. Wander in there, look around, decided there is nothing worth eating, and wander out. It is just a need to much. I am not hungry. I am mostly bored. I started thinking that I should just get on my elliptical. But... my elliptical is squeaky and I wouldn't be able to hear the TV. So I sat. And Wandered. And sat.

Next think I know I am in the kitchen cutting another small piece of the pizza. I should have thrown it away. But here I am . Again, I can work this off. I walk out but I CONSUME that piece. It is gone before the commercial break ends. I am back in the kitchen. I am grabbing the last of the pizza. It is one BIG slice. I am shoving it pell mell into my face. I am devouring it.

I stopped mid-"bite". Why is bite italicized? Because my mouth was full. So full I could barely chew. And here it is. The reality of a binge. The fast paced shoveling of the food before you can think about what you are doing. Just hurry and get it in. Eat. EAT. EAT!!! But I had stopped. I walked to the trash I spit out what was in my mouth. I threw away what was left. And I tried to pick up my dignity with it. But the damage was done. I calculated how much of that pizza I had eaten. I did my workout. And I am still over. But I logged it all away. And then put myself to bed. Tomorrow is another day...

My 1st notice

Today I had something amazing happen. But I think it will be hard to explain. I have a "shelf butt". Meaning where my back ends instead of it curving into my butt it juts out. Creating a kind of "shelf". Or... at least it did. Today I was standing and looking in the mirror when I was getting dressed and I realized the shelf is gone. My back actualy curves into my butt. My butt is still big but the "shelf" is gone. Yay for some visible evidence of what I have been working my ass off for. (Literally!! ;)

One Month In...

So after one month I am down 19 lbs and have lost 3 inches. I am still rocking the elliptical daily as well as picking up some kickboxing and aerobic dance. I am loving the meals I have been eating, getting them from Life Made Easier with Leah. I even did really good with the superbowl as all of the snacks were "lighteded up" and I kept to my one serving per item limit. I even splurged on a Coke. But put in an hour of exercise for the day and more than made up for the calories I ate. I am really excited about this journey and can't wait to see how things progress.

Weight: 249
Neck: 16
Waist: 48.5
Hips: 55.5
I do have to say I am getting worried about my period coming. Last time it came I went up 10 lbs and it took me 2 weeks before I get back to where I was. I don't even think I was eating poorly and I DID continue exercising during that time. So I don't know why it happened. But as I am only a week or less out from my period again I am getting stressed over how it will affect my weight this time. :(