Pizza AGAIN

Tonight the kids were gone. I made a Boboli pizza. I ate the whole thing. THE WHOLE F'EN PIZZA!!! I am disgusted with myself and I feel like crap. Literally. My tummy isn't digesting it well.

I worked out on the elliptical for 45 minutes. I have been folloing up my elliptical with crunches but tonight my tummy just couldn't take it.

I am so disappointed in myself. Why do I do this??? Everything I read says it is supposed to be emotional. The whole binging thing. OK, maybe. I could see it. I was supposed to go car shopping with my dad. Which in an of itself is emotional. I am losing the van to repo after the BK. I still haven't gotten the Ford from G and will probably just end up turning it over to him. My parents are bailing me out and buying me a car. And yet I am excited to get a "new" car. And yet I am not excited about the prospect of being more indebted to my parents.

Then I posted on FB today about daycares. I am stressed over daycare for the kids. Not just that but I really want Savannah in preschool. A good preschool where she will learn. Well, then my brother jumps on and starts talking about me quitting my job and just going to school myself. I could live on student loans and then I would qualify for all the state programs I don't qualify for now. I have to admit it is temping. I have been wanting to go back to school for years but always have an excuse. I have thought about this many times. Even before the divorce I was considering it. But it is scary to leave a job that you have been at for 9 years and just be jobless. To have to rely on state welfare programs and school loans. Not to mention the fact that my mom has told me how much she HATES the idea. And frankly I feel like I can't do anything without her permission because she pays for everything for me and supports me and my kids. And that is a depressing thought. I am a 31 year old kid being taken care of by mommy. And I don't like the fact that she is SO involved in my life and gets to be a part of these desicions. But I don't know what else to do. I can't even afford to put my kid in preschool let alone pay for a car or even a place to live. So what the hell am I supposed to do???

Ok, I can see how I ate the whole pizza. But dammit I still fell like shit. Only now I fell worse. Thanks pizza. Thank you for mkaing me fell like shit all over. I know, it wasn't the pizza. It was me. I was the one who ate it. And I am the one who put myself in this situation. And I need to buck up and be strong like usual. Tomorrow is another day. Another day to eat right and exercise right. And another day to figure out what to do about my life and my kids lives. Tomorrow is another day.