Who am I kidding?

Myself mostly. In my last post I said I have been keeping my diet mostly on track. Just going over a little each day. Which is true for most of the days. But then one or two days a week I have been bad. Eating exrta, eating crap, eating over. And worst of all not logging. I am not holding myself accoutable for these binges. And it is becoming more and more. Ice cream, pizza, popcorn... I didn't realize how much I was doing it but now that I am looking closer I am realizing more and more how much I am doing it. And yes,  I am sure this is keeping me from getting off this plateau.

I know it started with the whole "eat more"mentality. I was doing fine. Until I needed to eat more to get off the plateau. And then it was like I started using that as an excuse. Oh, well, I need to eat more so I can have this. I need to up my calories so i can have that. Blah, blah, it is all just excuses to revert back to my old ways of eating. It has been about 3 weeks of doing this now with this last week being by far the worst. And now that I have reverted to eating crap it feels like I can't get back to the way I was eating. I almost don't know how to rein it in.

What I need to do is get strict about my meal planning again. Plan out breakfasts, lunches, dinners. Have them all written out just like when I first started. And then stick to it. I don't relish having to go back to being so ridged. Especially since I will have to take the time to do this planning. But I also know I can't spend the money of the meal plan service I was using either. I just can't afford those meals in my budget right now. I need to be smart and frugal and most of all healthy. And my fist step is to get the crap out of my kitchen. I have pie crusts, unbaked cakes with frosting, ice cream. OUT! I need to get it all out.

I also need to start being honest. Start holding myself more accountable for what I am putting in my mouth. Track every bite. Good or bad. Which is of course the hardest part. being accountable to yourself. Owning up to yourself. And being honest with yourself. I hate that food is such a problem for me. It sucks.


*On a side note: one thing I have discovered with eating more poorly. I don't have the want/desire/passion for working out. I am sluggish and tired. It is harder to convince myself to get up and do a workout. And that suks. i used to really enjoy working out and now it has become an internal argument to even get it done. And I need to get my eating abck on track so I can start loving the workouts again. And stop blowing them off. Becasue I have been doing that too. UH! It is all a viscious cycle. One thing ruins another that ruins another.

I also think part of the problem is the workouts themselves. I really miss not having a trainer. Even that one day a week was helping me to keep going. Even with doing P90X it doesn't seem as challenging as I was hoping for. Sure I am tired and it is hard and I am working up a great sweat. But one part of working out that I have really come to love is the pain of it. Having sore muscles lets me know I have been working hard. And makes me want to work harder and keep it going. I have barely had sore muscles. Even with P90X. I need something that is really going to push me to work hard. I really wish I could take a boot camp class or something but I just don't have hte time with the kids. It all sounds like excuses but i really can't seem to figure out how to make it work. I need a sitter. But even the mention of it to my mom and she scoffs that she is availble. But then she doesn't want to commit to watching the kids so much. I talked her into watching them once a week and the only way I talked her into it was because I am taking a parenting class which she really agrees with. And even then it is only for 6 weeks. I need to figure out something becaue I am tired of being fat. And I need to get back into a weightloss mode that will work for me.

Plateau Hell

I have been putting off updating the blog. Just wishing I could say, I was stuck in that damn plateau but now it is over! But nope, I don't get to say that. Still holding strong at 208. (Well, every now and then it bumps up to 210/211 but I figure that is water/hormones.) I did take pics and measurements on the 8th like usual but I wont bother with them because they are the same as well. It is a true plateau with no changes anywhere.

I am really just plugging along at this point. Trying to not let it bother me too much (but it does) and just keep doing what I need to. It is so hard to not get discouraged. I was really hoping to be  at least 100 down by the end of the year and I don't think I can make that goal anymore. Heck, I thought I could do all 130 in a year. And I was doing great. But now with 2 months and no changes I don't know how to make it happen. I have put on my blinders and I am just trying to keep looking at each day and doing what I need to do. I will admit that I haven't been as strict on the eating. I have been indulging. And part of it is that mentality that everyone says you need to eat more to break a plateau. But I am not eating more of the RIGHT things. And I really need to focus on that. But it is so hard. It was easier to eat right when I started. Not that I am eating bad. But not really good either. I need to get a handle on that.

I have to admit I think the dating is getting to me too. I keep telling myself I need to stop trying to meet people and date and just focus on myself. But then a weekend comes where I don't have my kids and I don't have plans or anything to do with myself except clean and workout by myself. I get lonely and start wishing for SOMEONE to just hang out with. It is pitiful. And so I post an ad. I look into dating. And I get discouraged and down on myself again. Especially when someone will decide I am not worth dating because I am "too fat" still. I know, I know. Their opinion doesn't matter. But it is still hard to not let it get you down. A double edged sward. I hate dating and the insecurity that comes with it but I am lonely all alone. *sigh*

Anway, this is a blog about weightloss not my horrible dating life and non-existntent sex life. (which of course I could have sex anytime I wanted just not a relationship to go along with it and that just isn't me. Uh, I am getting side tracked again...)

So I AM doing P90X. So far no results. But I had to take a week off. So I did 2 weeks and then had a week off because I was sick and paired with my asthma my lungs couldn't take it. I was also out of my controller meds and too broke to refill them. But now I am better and my meds are filled so I am back to it. Did Core Synergenics Monday. Plyometrics last night. Tonight is Arms and abs. Tomorrow is yoga. Friday is Legs and abs. Saturday (my favorite day) is Kenpo. And Sunday is, of course, a day of rest. :) Fingers crossed this all starts working for me again soon. Also wish me luck I can get my eating on a better track. (Like I said, it isn't bad but it isn't great. I need to get it back to being great) And especailly fingers crossed I can break off this plateau and the lbs start melting and dropping off like before. Fingers crossed.