Fighting

10 months now...
Sept 13 was my last post. It has been too long. I worked hard on the elliptical. I started doing Jillians 30 day shred. I wasn't working out every night but was doing at least 3 ifd not more nights a week. I was better about my eating and tracking. And yet I was still staying in the same spot.

New track. I decided I would alter my carb intake. Not doing the whole Atkins no carb/super low carb. But just lower than what I had been doing. And it started working! I am now down to 205. 3 lbs. At least it is 3 though.

Then a week/two weeks ago I came across a Groupon for one month of boot camp classes for $20. I started yesterday. I love it! It is awesome! I love the trainer. I love the workouts. I am hurting like hell. Yesterday I even almost puked. But I still think it is awesome. And the best part is it is in the morning. I have said all along I love morning workouts best. just couldn't figure out how to do them at home. If I wake early then I end up waking the kids. But now I just drop them off at daycare 20 minutes earlier and go to class.

I wish I could continue on after this month is over. I just can't see how it will be possible. Even paying the $20 for one month I had to think about. There is no way I can afford $247/month (or $197 if I commit to a year). I don't think I could even swin $100/month. But for now I will just live in the moment and enjoy this next month. And hopefully I will kick this plateau and get back to where I can do this at home on my own.

Actually, there is a gym opening by my house. They are $10/month. I think I will join once they do open. And I can just take the kids early to daycare and go work out. And maybe they will have a class I can take too. (Classes are included in the $10) I just have no idea when they are going to open. :-/ they have been gutting and rebuilding the building for the past 2 months and it doesn't look close to being done yet. I will just have to wait and see. Fingers crossed.

8 Months: Getting back on track

OK, I am working hard at getting myself back on track. The last few weeks were horrible. I was binging and indulging in anything and everything. I lost it. It was horrible and I felt like crap. Now I am working hard at eating right, tracking again and working out. I decided to go back to the beginning. I upped my caolories back to 1400. I stopped doing P90X for now and have been focusing on just getting my elliptical run in. I have also been watching Biggest Loser again. It is amazing how much that show can inspire me. It pushes me to do better. It makes me evaluate myslf and why I do the things I do. And why I wwant what I want. I am trying to do a lot more reflection on my eating and habits. I am hoping this will pull me not just out of my slump but off my plateau. But mostly I am worried about the slump. Things really went downhill there with eating a working out. And it is scary how quickly you can lose the staminia you build up. The elliptical runs have been tough! But I will get back there. I will do this. I am not giving up on this. I want to be that person. I can see her in the distance. I can feel her hiding in me. I know she is there screaming to get out. And ultimately I want her more than the pizza, cookies, and everything else I have been indulging in. I want to run in 5ks and other events. I want to be strong. I want to be fit. I want to run and play with my kids. I want all these things. And I need to focus on that. Focus on me. No more dating. No more distractions. Just focus.

Who am I kidding?

Myself mostly. In my last post I said I have been keeping my diet mostly on track. Just going over a little each day. Which is true for most of the days. But then one or two days a week I have been bad. Eating exrta, eating crap, eating over. And worst of all not logging. I am not holding myself accoutable for these binges. And it is becoming more and more. Ice cream, pizza, popcorn... I didn't realize how much I was doing it but now that I am looking closer I am realizing more and more how much I am doing it. And yes,  I am sure this is keeping me from getting off this plateau.

I know it started with the whole "eat more"mentality. I was doing fine. Until I needed to eat more to get off the plateau. And then it was like I started using that as an excuse. Oh, well, I need to eat more so I can have this. I need to up my calories so i can have that. Blah, blah, it is all just excuses to revert back to my old ways of eating. It has been about 3 weeks of doing this now with this last week being by far the worst. And now that I have reverted to eating crap it feels like I can't get back to the way I was eating. I almost don't know how to rein it in.

What I need to do is get strict about my meal planning again. Plan out breakfasts, lunches, dinners. Have them all written out just like when I first started. And then stick to it. I don't relish having to go back to being so ridged. Especially since I will have to take the time to do this planning. But I also know I can't spend the money of the meal plan service I was using either. I just can't afford those meals in my budget right now. I need to be smart and frugal and most of all healthy. And my fist step is to get the crap out of my kitchen. I have pie crusts, unbaked cakes with frosting, ice cream. OUT! I need to get it all out.

I also need to start being honest. Start holding myself more accountable for what I am putting in my mouth. Track every bite. Good or bad. Which is of course the hardest part. being accountable to yourself. Owning up to yourself. And being honest with yourself. I hate that food is such a problem for me. It sucks.


*On a side note: one thing I have discovered with eating more poorly. I don't have the want/desire/passion for working out. I am sluggish and tired. It is harder to convince myself to get up and do a workout. And that suks. i used to really enjoy working out and now it has become an internal argument to even get it done. And I need to get my eating abck on track so I can start loving the workouts again. And stop blowing them off. Becasue I have been doing that too. UH! It is all a viscious cycle. One thing ruins another that ruins another.

I also think part of the problem is the workouts themselves. I really miss not having a trainer. Even that one day a week was helping me to keep going. Even with doing P90X it doesn't seem as challenging as I was hoping for. Sure I am tired and it is hard and I am working up a great sweat. But one part of working out that I have really come to love is the pain of it. Having sore muscles lets me know I have been working hard. And makes me want to work harder and keep it going. I have barely had sore muscles. Even with P90X. I need something that is really going to push me to work hard. I really wish I could take a boot camp class or something but I just don't have hte time with the kids. It all sounds like excuses but i really can't seem to figure out how to make it work. I need a sitter. But even the mention of it to my mom and she scoffs that she is availble. But then she doesn't want to commit to watching the kids so much. I talked her into watching them once a week and the only way I talked her into it was because I am taking a parenting class which she really agrees with. And even then it is only for 6 weeks. I need to figure out something becaue I am tired of being fat. And I need to get back into a weightloss mode that will work for me.

Plateau Hell

I have been putting off updating the blog. Just wishing I could say, I was stuck in that damn plateau but now it is over! But nope, I don't get to say that. Still holding strong at 208. (Well, every now and then it bumps up to 210/211 but I figure that is water/hormones.) I did take pics and measurements on the 8th like usual but I wont bother with them because they are the same as well. It is a true plateau with no changes anywhere.

I am really just plugging along at this point. Trying to not let it bother me too much (but it does) and just keep doing what I need to. It is so hard to not get discouraged. I was really hoping to be  at least 100 down by the end of the year and I don't think I can make that goal anymore. Heck, I thought I could do all 130 in a year. And I was doing great. But now with 2 months and no changes I don't know how to make it happen. I have put on my blinders and I am just trying to keep looking at each day and doing what I need to do. I will admit that I haven't been as strict on the eating. I have been indulging. And part of it is that mentality that everyone says you need to eat more to break a plateau. But I am not eating more of the RIGHT things. And I really need to focus on that. But it is so hard. It was easier to eat right when I started. Not that I am eating bad. But not really good either. I need to get a handle on that.

I have to admit I think the dating is getting to me too. I keep telling myself I need to stop trying to meet people and date and just focus on myself. But then a weekend comes where I don't have my kids and I don't have plans or anything to do with myself except clean and workout by myself. I get lonely and start wishing for SOMEONE to just hang out with. It is pitiful. And so I post an ad. I look into dating. And I get discouraged and down on myself again. Especially when someone will decide I am not worth dating because I am "too fat" still. I know, I know. Their opinion doesn't matter. But it is still hard to not let it get you down. A double edged sward. I hate dating and the insecurity that comes with it but I am lonely all alone. *sigh*

Anway, this is a blog about weightloss not my horrible dating life and non-existntent sex life. (which of course I could have sex anytime I wanted just not a relationship to go along with it and that just isn't me. Uh, I am getting side tracked again...)

So I AM doing P90X. So far no results. But I had to take a week off. So I did 2 weeks and then had a week off because I was sick and paired with my asthma my lungs couldn't take it. I was also out of my controller meds and too broke to refill them. But now I am better and my meds are filled so I am back to it. Did Core Synergenics Monday. Plyometrics last night. Tonight is Arms and abs. Tomorrow is yoga. Friday is Legs and abs. Saturday (my favorite day) is Kenpo. And Sunday is, of course, a day of rest. :) Fingers crossed this all starts working for me again soon. Also wish me luck I can get my eating on a better track. (Like I said, it isn't bad but it isn't great. I need to get it back to being great) And especailly fingers crossed I can break off this plateau and the lbs start melting and dropping off like before. Fingers crossed.

6 months = 60 lbs

A half a year. I am down 60 lbs. That is totally awesome! A little slower than I want but that is OK. I said I would do 130 in a year so I am behind by 5 lbs but I would be happy with 120 in a year. I am feeling amazing and things are only going to get better. I plan to start P90X soon. I haven't started yet because my HRM chest strap broke so I am waiting for the replacement to arrive. As soon as I have it I will start the program and we will see where I am in 90 days. As such I took more measurements so I can really track things. So my stats and pics will follow...

Weight: 207
Chest: 43
Waist: 43 1/2
Hips: 50
Right Thigh: 26 1/4
Left Thigh: 26 1/2
Right Arm: 15 3/4
Left Arm: 15 1/2
Neck: 15
(all measurements are in inches)

Here is my 6 month journey so far. Starting with January on top, April in the middle and July on the bottom:

6 months in my face!

New clothes, new undies, new ME!

I am feeling pretty amazing lately. A friend of mine sent me some old clothes of hers that I now fit into. Then I went shopping with my mom over the weekend and got some new bras and panties. I am happy to report my bras are now a 38D. I actually measured between a C and a D and was going to buy Cs so when I lose more then I wouldn't have to buy new bras too quickly. However the overspill was just too much so I went with the D. Then my new panties are a XL. They look tiny compaired to my old panties. I am just feeling so happy and amazing!

I have tried a bit of internet dating. But nothing has panned out and I actually got kinda upset by it so I closed all my ads down so I could continue to focus on me. It was reading 50 Shades of Grey that really had me riled up and on the hunt. I need to step back and refocus though. I can't let a few crappy guys ruin what I am working on here. My only regret now is that I was hoping to go to the baseball game on the 4th and now I have no one to go with. :-/ Know anyone??

June: 5 months

One more month and I will be 6 months in. And I have come so far and still have far to go. But I am chugging along. The past 2 weeks have been rough. @ weeks ago I had several binges over the weekend. But then started fresh and renewed. Well, except for working out. I am having a hard time with commitment. Night comes and I am tired and just not in the mood to workout. But I have continued. And I am feeling a fresh start coming on. Hopefully this week will be better. That isn't to say I haven't continued losing. Actually I think my binges and overages in eating due to lack of exercise has boosted my matabolism. Last week when I weighed in I had only lost 2 lbs over 2 weeks. This week I weighed in early (Friday) since it was my 5 month weigh in. I had lost 2 lbs in a week. And today when I weighed again I was done another 3 lbs. I didn't log the 3 lbs. I am waiting until tomorrow for my official Sunday weigh in. We will see if it was just a fluke or not. Fingers crossed it was not.

So here we are. 5 months in. Stats and pics:
Weight: 214
Neck: 15 inches
Waist: 43.75 inches
Hips: 50.5 inches

May 2012 on top. June 2012 on the bottom.

My First 5k!!!

5k Foam Fest in Phoenix

I did it! I "ran" my first 5k! It was a lot of fun and yet not so fun. The company that organized the event was not very organized at all. People were starting and running at anytime they wanted even though there were "heats". I think there were to be a total of 8 heats. We signed up for the second heat. We got there at a little after 8am and picked up our "swag bag" which consisted of a tshirt and 2 ads. There was supposed to be tattoos and I saw a few people with them but we didn't have any in our bag. Then we waited around until 920. The horn blew and we were on our way...

The first few obstacles were a zig zag to run through, hale bales to climb or jump over and one 5 foot wall followed by two 8 foot walls. After these we hit our first water station. It was hot and already 90 out. But the water station was out of water. Well, we each got a small cup and it was the last of what they had. Next was some noodles to run through that had a small amount of foam blowing through. We were hot and tired and wishing for more water obstacles. We cam around the corner to see a large group of people. There was a wait fo rthe next obstacle, a 20 foot cargo net to scale. We waiting in line for 30 minutes before it was our turn. We were hoping there was water just past this but there was nothing.

Next we came to some more noodles that were over tires to hop through. Fianlly we cam to the first foam slip and slide. With another 30 minute wait. It was hot and we were thirsty. One of our group ran ahead to find a water station. When she came back she imformed us the water station was just past the slip and slide. And they had been out of water for 20 minutes. NO!!!! We ditched the live and ran around the slip and slide just ready to get back. I was so happy when I saw the blue tops of the start/finish line. The last two obstacles were a water/mud crawl followed by another foam slip and slide. We plunged into the muddy water and made out way through.

The slip and slide had a 45 minute wait and we needed to get back so we could get a friends daughter who was scheduled to run in the rugrat run 10 minutes later. Me and the other runner went to find the hose to rinse off. As we were waiting in line the water pressure in the hose dropped. It was barely enought o rinse off our faces and hands. We decided forget it. At that point I gathered my kids, laid a towl over my car seat and drove home. I heard later that they ran out of foam before my friends daughter could get on the slip and slide. How do you run out of foam at a foam fest??? As for the other heats: I know a few of them ran after us. But the later ones were cancelled due to the lack of water. Like I said, poor, poor, planning.

All in all we had fun. It was fun to do it together as family. And we are already planning our next mud run in the fall. With a reputable company. With SHOWERS! :-D  Dirty Six, here we come!!!

http://www.dcbadventures.com/Event/dirty-6-fall-mud-run

 

I was a little late on my measurements this month. I did them on the 12th instead of the 8th. Here are the stats and pics:
Weight: 222
Neck: 15 inches
Waist: 44.5 inches
Hips: 52.25 inches

Top is this month, bottom is last month

Not much change and I think I look worse this month than last month. :(

Don't worry, I will keep going...

Here are my overall stats:
Month 1: 266 to 249 = 17 lost
Month 2: 249 to 238 = 11 lost
Month 3: 238 to 231 = 7 lost
Month 4: 231 to 222 = 9 lost

Neck: from 16 inches to 15 inches = 1 inch lost
Waist: from 49 inches to 44.5 inches = 4.5 inches lost
Hips: from 58 inches to 52.25 inches = 5.75 inches lost

So I am making progress.

A few updates: I recently found out Blockbuster has all the the workout videos I like. So I am slowly renting them and trying them out. With being on their mailing program I can keep them as long as I want I just don't get the next one until I return it. And this way if I really like it then I can buy it. :) I am starting with Jillians Shred it with Weights. It should be here tomorrow. What can I say, I have fallen in love with Jillian and Bob. And watching the Biggest Loser while working out is just so motivating!! 

Also, for all my hard work my mom and stepdad bought me a new elliptical!! YAY! Now I don't have the old janky one that breaks down all the time!

Lastly, I am running my first 5k this weekend!! EEK!! I totally think I am not ready but it will be fun anyways. It is the 5k Foam run and has obsticals and such. I will post pics after I do it.

And on that note I will leave you with one last pic; from Mother's Day this last weekend.

A quickie

Just a short update today. Yesterday I was talking with the girls and we started surfing Frredrick's website and I realized that was what I really wanted. I wanted to buy, feel good, AND LOOK good in lingerie! So I decided THAT would be my reward when I am all done. I want to buy some new ssexy lingerie for myself. Not to show off to any guy or anything. Just for me. (Well, I am sure eventually it will be for someone else too ;) I am so excited now!!

Also, yesterday I did my first hike. We hiked up Thunderbird Mountain and it was great! All told it took 1 hour and 22 minutes and the HRM said I burned 1652 calories! YAY!! And I was excited to be doing it last night cuz I have my work Yoga classes on Firdays. So I figured if I was sore at all I would strech it all out and feel better. Well, thankfully I really wasn't too sore - some muscle tiredness but that was about it. HOWEVER, I was very surprised when the instructor moved us into the gym. Today was all about weight training! EEK! I did great but by the end my legs were burning!! Especially since the last thing he had us do were chair sits against a wall. Oh man! That killed me!! I was very proud of myself though. I had great form for all the moves. Jillians DVD has really helped me and I was about to power through the bicep curls, tricep curls, chest flys and everything else he had us doing. :)

I am so damn proud of myself! I am going to be a fitness girl soon! :-D

OOPS!

Crap it has been too long since I updated! And I just realized I didn't even post my 3 month progress!! :( Which is crazy cuz it was the best pics yet!! So first at 3 months:

Weight: 231
Neck: 15.5
Waist: 45
Hips: 53

And check out THIS rockin photo!!

The top is from 3/7 (a day early becuase of Easter)

Bottom is from 1/8 when I started

Crazy how different I look from 3 months ago!! So exciting!!

Well, now it is a few weeks later and I am happy to report I am down to 225. :) I plateaud for a bit but then went on vacation. While I did try to stick with eating within my calories I did allow myself more splurges than I do at home. Also, one day I had a "indulgence" day and went to a buffet breakfast. My breakfast was 2200 calories! EEK!!! But I think it really helped jump start my matabolism. Also, I was doing some crazy walking around DC and just 1 day of walking (4 hours) burned 2600 calories. :) (Did I mention I got a Heart Rate Monitor = HRM?? SOOO Awesome!!)

I am back home now and back to eating more carefully. One thing I don't understand was I had MFP recalculate my calories and they dropped to 1200. That is the lowest you can go. How can that be right?? I know I am only 5'1" and lead a sedentary life but if NOW is 1200 how will I lose when I get to 175 or 150??? I can't drop my calories lower. Just confusing. I will have to check into that.

One last thing: I am signing up for my first 5K!! I don't think I am really ready for a run but it is a fun one and I am teaming up with my family. We don't care about our time, we are just doing it for the fun of it. It is a 5K Foam run. http://www.5kfoamfest.com/location-phoenix.php I am scared and excited all at the same time!! Go ME!!

PS I've been watching too much Biggest Loser. ;) I created a motto:

~Finding me, the HOT divorcee.  ...Because I am worth it!

Update

I realized it has been a long time since I have given an update. Of course I will update soon with my new measurements and pics but I should check in more often than once a month. I have been doing well. I started Level 3 of Jillian's 30 Day Shred this week after completing 10 days of level 1 and 10 days of level 2. I really like it! Today I am hurting but that is a good thing. It means I am working hard and working out muscles I haven't been working before, which is a good thing. I am still doing the elliptical. Not as often as before though. Just if I have the time/energy to get on after my Jillian workout.

I am noticing a lot of changes. I really think I will have quite a change in inches this month. I can't wait to see the progress photos. LOL! I am down to 231 in weight. So I am still losing at a healthy level. I have to say though it can be tough to watch the Biggest Loser and see them pull the BIG numbers and I am just plodding along. But then I have to remind myself that they are working out for 4 hours a day!!

I am still doing my food diary. I track every day and have 88 days logged so far. Of course I have my good days and my bad days. But even when I have a bad day I am stayiong within my calorie limits. I end up splurging (like yesterday I had a half of a Peanut Butter Snickers and some Milk Duds) but then I just make sure I do the exercise needed to work it off. So I really think I am doing great. Of course I would love it even more if I could pull those big numbers like BL but that isn't realistic.

I have discovered through BL how much I really like Bob Harper. He really feels for his people and cares about them. It leaves me wishing I had someone helping me and supporting me like that. Don't get me wrong, I have support from my friends and family. But they are on the sidelines cheering me on. I don't have anyone to walk with, hike with, exercise with. Someone to push me when I am not feeling it. Or push me further when I think I am done. Someone to cry with me when things are hard. Someone to cheer with me when I reach a goal. I just wish I had someone. For now, I think I am just going to buy some Bob Harper videos though. Cuz that is really all I can do.

Urges...

I should be writing my update. I did my 2 month weigh-in and progress pics last week and I should be blogging about them But fist I need to get this out.

I started watching The Biggest Loser today. I figured it would inspire me to work harder, eat better and really pump me up. Season 1 episode 2. The challenge is about a bake sale. Whoever sells the most, wins. And I am watching them cut up brownies and I start thinking how bad I want a brownie. Ok, everything in moderation. But I just know if I make brownies I WILL eat the whole pan. In fact most of today my thoughts keep going to running up to the store for different junk food to indulge in. I want to watch a moviee and have popcorn. I want a Coke. I want brownies. I wint to binge.

So now the hard part will be overcoming today. DONT go to the store. And dont go scrounging in your cupboards. And then my nemisis. On the menu for tonights dinner: Taco Pizza. We all know I have a hard time when it comes to pizza. But I am making it from scratch so I am thinking I just need to make it a personal pizza. Just big enough for me for dinner. Cross your fingers and hope for me.

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OK, so now onto the good stuff: My 2 month stats and pictures. I am down a total of 30 lbs in 2 months. Which means I only have 100 lbs to go! This month I started Jillians 30 Day Shred and I am hoping that it helps me lose not just weight but also inches. I am heading to PA next month and want to be looking great.

Weight: 238
Neck: 15.5
Waist: 47.5
Hips: 54.5

Top take 3/8/12

Bottom taken 1/8/12

Left taken 3/8/12  Right taken Nov 2011

30 down and more to go!

I am officially 30 lbs down today. I don't do my 1 month weigh/pics for another 4 days. I am excited to see the progress in pics. I think I am going to see some great results! I am very excited. Also, since I am traveling to the east coast in a month I have started Jillian's 30 Day Shred. I am hoping to be down another 20 lbs by then and looking awesome. I am so excited and happy to be on this journey. Even with my slip ups I am rocking it! ;)

Pizza AGAIN

Tonight the kids were gone. I made a Boboli pizza. I ate the whole thing. THE WHOLE F'EN PIZZA!!! I am disgusted with myself and I feel like crap. Literally. My tummy isn't digesting it well.

I worked out on the elliptical for 45 minutes. I have been folloing up my elliptical with crunches but tonight my tummy just couldn't take it.

I am so disappointed in myself. Why do I do this??? Everything I read says it is supposed to be emotional. The whole binging thing. OK, maybe. I could see it. I was supposed to go car shopping with my dad. Which in an of itself is emotional. I am losing the van to repo after the BK. I still haven't gotten the Ford from G and will probably just end up turning it over to him. My parents are bailing me out and buying me a car. And yet I am excited to get a "new" car. And yet I am not excited about the prospect of being more indebted to my parents.

Then I posted on FB today about daycares. I am stressed over daycare for the kids. Not just that but I really want Savannah in preschool. A good preschool where she will learn. Well, then my brother jumps on and starts talking about me quitting my job and just going to school myself. I could live on student loans and then I would qualify for all the state programs I don't qualify for now. I have to admit it is temping. I have been wanting to go back to school for years but always have an excuse. I have thought about this many times. Even before the divorce I was considering it. But it is scary to leave a job that you have been at for 9 years and just be jobless. To have to rely on state welfare programs and school loans. Not to mention the fact that my mom has told me how much she HATES the idea. And frankly I feel like I can't do anything without her permission because she pays for everything for me and supports me and my kids. And that is a depressing thought. I am a 31 year old kid being taken care of by mommy. And I don't like the fact that she is SO involved in my life and gets to be a part of these desicions. But I don't know what else to do. I can't even afford to put my kid in preschool let alone pay for a car or even a place to live. So what the hell am I supposed to do???

Ok, I can see how I ate the whole pizza. But dammit I still fell like shit. Only now I fell worse. Thanks pizza. Thank you for mkaing me fell like shit all over. I know, it wasn't the pizza. It was me. I was the one who ate it. And I am the one who put myself in this situation. And I need to buck up and be strong like usual. Tomorrow is another day. Another day to eat right and exercise right. And another day to figure out what to do about my life and my kids lives. Tomorrow is another day.

Pizza and the downfall

So last night I needed a fast dinner for me and the kids. After talking with some friends I realized I had flat bread, pizza sauce, and cheese and we could make pizzas and then they wouldn't take long to cook. But as the day wore on I couldn't forget the fact that I had a Red Baron frozen pizza in my fridge. I LOVE Red Baron Pizza. They are tasty, crispy and quick. There have been times I have chosen the Red Baron over ordering out for pizza. That is how much I love them. But after buying it I had read the nutrition details and had yet to cave to the temptation of all that fat and sodium. Until last night...

I was smart about it. I added it into my diary. Calculated the calories and fat. Worked my meals around it and decided I could "afford" it. I would just make sure to chug some lemon water to clear up the sodium before Sunday's weigh in. I was so excited! I could finally eat my favorite pizza and not have to pay for it! Plus, it would get it out of my freezer and then I wouldn't have to look at it almost every day. I just had to stay smart about it.

I got home and cooked the pizza. I cut the kids their pieces. Than I cut my two pieces. It was heaven. The only thing that would have made it better was to have a Coke to go with it. But I, of course, don't keep Coke in my house. For the same reason I will not be buying another Red Baron pizza. Temptation. So I dutifully chugged my water. I finished my 2 slices but I wanted more. I went and cut another small slice. What the hell. I had worked my food diary to I was just even with my calories for the day. And that was my pre-workout calories. I could easily burn off the extra little slice. I finished and then me and the kids moved on with our night.

I got the kids in bed and then sat down to watch Idol. Every commercial break I would wander in the kitchen. I do this a lot. Wander in there, look around, decided there is nothing worth eating, and wander out. It is just a need to much. I am not hungry. I am mostly bored. I started thinking that I should just get on my elliptical. But... my elliptical is squeaky and I wouldn't be able to hear the TV. So I sat. And Wandered. And sat.

Next think I know I am in the kitchen cutting another small piece of the pizza. I should have thrown it away. But here I am . Again, I can work this off. I walk out but I CONSUME that piece. It is gone before the commercial break ends. I am back in the kitchen. I am grabbing the last of the pizza. It is one BIG slice. I am shoving it pell mell into my face. I am devouring it.

I stopped mid-"bite". Why is bite italicized? Because my mouth was full. So full I could barely chew. And here it is. The reality of a binge. The fast paced shoveling of the food before you can think about what you are doing. Just hurry and get it in. Eat. EAT. EAT!!! But I had stopped. I walked to the trash I spit out what was in my mouth. I threw away what was left. And I tried to pick up my dignity with it. But the damage was done. I calculated how much of that pizza I had eaten. I did my workout. And I am still over. But I logged it all away. And then put myself to bed. Tomorrow is another day...

My 1st notice

Today I had something amazing happen. But I think it will be hard to explain. I have a "shelf butt". Meaning where my back ends instead of it curving into my butt it juts out. Creating a kind of "shelf". Or... at least it did. Today I was standing and looking in the mirror when I was getting dressed and I realized the shelf is gone. My back actualy curves into my butt. My butt is still big but the "shelf" is gone. Yay for some visible evidence of what I have been working my ass off for. (Literally!! ;)

One Month In...

So after one month I am down 19 lbs and have lost 3 inches. I am still rocking the elliptical daily as well as picking up some kickboxing and aerobic dance. I am loving the meals I have been eating, getting them from Life Made Easier with Leah. I even did really good with the superbowl as all of the snacks were "lighteded up" and I kept to my one serving per item limit. I even splurged on a Coke. But put in an hour of exercise for the day and more than made up for the calories I ate. I am really excited about this journey and can't wait to see how things progress.

Weight: 249
Neck: 16
Waist: 48.5
Hips: 55.5
I do have to say I am getting worried about my period coming. Last time it came I went up 10 lbs and it took me 2 weeks before I get back to where I was. I don't even think I was eating poorly and I DID continue exercising during that time. So I don't know why it happened. But as I am only a week or less out from my period again I am getting stressed over how it will affect my weight this time. :(

Rough Few days

Between AF, T being sick and my elliptical being broken I am having a rough week. I have been eating OK until I went to dinner with my parents last night. We went to chilies and I didn't want to eat "right". OUCH! It was a killer. Then I got home to get the my elliptical that my dad came by to fix again and it is still broken. I can be on it for about 5-10 minutes and then a bolt starts coming loose. My stepdad says to tighten it and so then I am jumping off the elliptical every 5 minutes to tighten it. :( I am WAY bummed. I miss my good workouts and it has only been a couple days.

I also can't wait for AF to be gone. I am up several pounds and just need to get back to where I was so I can feel better. I also need to work on really drinking the water. I have slacked off on that the last few days. I especailly need to drink a lot today due to my splurge last night.

Working on it

Just because I haven't written here in a while doesn't mean that I am not working my @$$ off. Literally.

OK, OK. My friend called me out about this blog. I was just going to let it go and stick with what I was doing my MFP.com but the more I thought about it the more I wanted to documant my journey. So here I am.

I was supposed to start this journey last summer. Then fall... then... Well, we all know how that goes. So I started the beginning of this year. I know, I know. SO cliche. BUt I am not doing this as a resolution. I am doing this for me. Because I want it. And I deserve it. And someday I WILL get there.

So for today I am going to copy my blogs from MFP. Then input my stats. I will stick to MFP for logging food and excersize. What can I say, it is just easier. But I will try to keep up writing here.

When I started I didn't weigh myself. Last time I weighed in I was 268 so that is what I put for my starting weight. I "light started" on the 1st but didn't "officially start until 1/6. Here are the weigh ins from MFP...

12/27/11 268 lbs
1/8/12 266 lbs
1/15/12 260 lbs
1/19/12 252 lbs

In the beginning.... 

Posted on 01/01/2012

I would like to say I am going to keep this up every day but I am horrible at blog posting. I really hope I can, it is a goal of mine. But for now lets get started. I said I would "officially" start the 5th. But Why not "pre-start" on the first.

As much as I wish this first post could be a mind-blowing, great first entry; it isn't gonna happen. I have kids crying in their rooms and me about to jump on the elliptical to try to earn back some of the overage in my caleries today. Good luck to me!

Day two 

Posted on 01/02/2012 

%^#$@^#$%@ I typed up a big blog post then clicked the wrong button!! AHHHHHHH! SOOOO annoying!

1) Need to stop with the Coke. I guess I am trying to hurry and drink it gone so it isn't tempting me anymore. But 4 Coke's in one day is BLEH! Yucky and BAD!!!!! Good news is there are only 2 left. Bad news is there is another 12 pack here. I am going to send it home with my mom though. I just need it gone! Then it is WATER WATER WATER!!!

2) I was pleasently surprised at how much stamina I had last night. I only did the elliptical for 15 minutes but I could have easly gone longer. My main issue was it is broken. On of the feet pedals slides back and forth in the middle. So after 15 minutes I was so fed up with the freaking machine. Good news is my step-dad said he would fix it. Bad news is I have NO IDEA when. :/  On another note; I also followed a exercize routine I pinned. For day 1 it says to do 30 jumping jacks and 10 crunches. Those jumping jacks were hard and hurt like hell with all this weight bouncing around. And I am sure they weren't very pretty. But I managed through.

3) For tonight I am going to try to stay on the elliptical longer. Fingers crossed I don't get as annoyed. Also, I think I pinned another home routien I am going to try to find. And on that note I am off to excercise. At least I don't have screaming and crying kids tonight. :)

Routein add on??? 

Posted on 01/02/2012

 

Anyone know how I can add a routein so I can easily add my exercise routein daily? I don't want to have to add each item individually. :/ If you know how to do it and can help, here is what I am doing:
Strech for 5 mins
5 mins elliptical
30 jumping jacks
5 push ups
25 high knees
7 burpees (skipped tonight - what is a burpee???)
10 crunches
7 squats
5 pushups
10 crunches
5 pushups
7 squats
30 jumping jacks
1 minute wall sit (ok, tonight I could only do like 20 seconds - that was the hardest part of the workout! DAMN!!!)
5 pushups
25 high knees
15 minutes elliptical
5 minutes walk
5 minutes strech
All total it took me about 45 minutes. :)

Dirty Little Secrets

Posted on 01/03/2012

 

Learned an important lesson today. Bagels are EVIL. In naivete I thought by going with 100% whole wheat I was "safe". But MAN! Those carbs jump QUICK! *sigh* Anyone want a bag and a half of wheat bagels??
Exercising was harder tonight. The strength part is still coming easy but that elliptical is really kicking my butt. Partly because it is broken and annoying. Then partly because it is a smaller, home machine. It just doesn't have the long strides like a normal elliptical and so instead feels like a stair stepper. It is tough as shit! So my first night I went 15 minutes. Second night I went 20. Tonight a barely eeked out 15 minutes. And really I was done after 10 but forced myself to stay on for another 5. In time I know it will get easier but I am sure it will get harder before it gets better. :(

Lastly, I want to mark my confession here. I have self diagnosed myself with an ED. I am sure I could get an official diagnosis from a counselor. And I am thinking about going to one. But for now I am coming to terms with this. And it has been my dirty little secret for so long I don't yet feel comfortable discussing it. I always knew I had a problem. I would read about EDs and wonder if what I had was considered one but I had never heard of it before today. You hear of overeaters. Which when I hear that I think of people who over eat ALL THE TIME. Which isn't me. Not to say my portions are healthy. Obviously. But I dont gorge myself consistently. Most of the time I eat normally. Breakfast, lunch dinner. A few snacks. But then sometimes...

I am a Binge Eater. I don't purge afterwards. Maybe I wouldn't be so fat if I did. I could never get past all the grossness of throwing up. The taste, the smell. Not to mention the horrors that it did to your stomach and esophogus. That isn't to say sometimes I WISHED I could purge. Something will happen. I'm stressed. Im lonely. Im bored even. And off I will head to the nearest fast food joint ordering 2 or sometimes even three value meals. Then I head home and eat. And eat. And eat. I shove the food in as quickly as I ran out to get it. And then when I am full, I wait a half hour or so and then eat some more. Maybe adding popcorn or chips or cookies to the mix. And after the night is over, life returns to normal.

Well, almost normal. I am disgusted with myself for my lack of control. I am embarresed cuz really, who eats 3 value meals and then some??? And I am sad because I know I am just adding to the weight I already carry around. Sometimes I will binge twice in the same week. And then sometimes I don't binge for several months. I can tell you this: I am scared for the day I find myself wanting to binge. I am really trying to get on track and finally lose this weight. And if it happens I know I will have to pick up the pieces and move forward. But the day I have to track a binge is going to be one of the worst days of my life.

Official start date: TODAY

Posted on 01/06/2012

It's official... My start date is today. I weighed in and I am at the weight I put in when I signed up. I didn't weigh then because I had lost my scale. So I either didn't lose, or I was fatter than I thought. Gonna go hide the scale again for a while. I don't want to obsess over numbers. And I think I will just get discouraged if I don't see movement. :)

OK, so here we go. Time to find myself.

Adding it up 

Posted on 01/07/2012

So this morning was kind of awesome. I got up and had a leasurely breakfast. Then hit the elliptical. It was great! I was feeling great! I wish every morening could be like that. Not gonna happen during the week. And weekends without the kids are few and far between. I will try next weekend though. See how that works for me with the littles here. :) But, for this weekend, I can't wait until tomorrow.

The really great thing about my morning workout was the extra calories I banked. I knew I would need them because of the girls night tonight. And I think if two of the girls hadn't cancelled I would have gone WAY over, even with the extra 600 caleries. As it was, I stayed under in caleries but went over in carbs. So for good measure i did an extra 15 minutes on the elliptical tonight. Gotta keep all those numbers down. ;)

IS THAT ME??????????? 

Posted on 01/08/2012

Tonight I am going to do one of the hardest things I have had to do yet. I am going to add my before pics. They are horribly unflattering and embarrasing. I look at them and I am disgusted. But this journey for me is going to come with challenges. And this is one of them. Admitting where I have gotten to. What I have become.

In our shallow world we judge people. Oh come on, I do it too. I look at people and I say to myself, I hope I never look like her. Only now, I realize, I AM her. I am that person I never wanted to become. I realize by posting these pics a lot of my friends will be thinking God they don't look like me. And hoping they never do look like me. I am a realest. I also know they will post their words of encouragement and cheer me along the way. After all, what are friends for. But I know they will be disgusted as I am about those pics. And that is ok. Because they ARE disgusting.

But now it is time to do something about that. To stop being disgusting. To stop being out of breath. To be able to bend over and tie my shoe without huffing through it. To run, to dance, to play. To shop without worrying if they will have my size. To wear cute little dresses. To feel amazing. To BE amazing.

*** And pounds start shedding***

I debated writing a seperate blog post but decided that was dumb. LOL! Anyway, since I took pics tonight I also did all of my measurements. I wasn't going to weigh myself becasue I weighed myself on Friday. On Friday my weight was exactly what I said it was when I started MFP. BUT when I started I didn't weigh in. Remember, I had lost my scale. So I used the number that I last knew myself to be at (about 2 months ago). I figured I either didn't lose anything this week or I weighed more than I thought when I started. But for the sake of doing all my measurements at the same time I figured I should just get on the scale too. Imagine my surprise when I see I lost 2 lbs! Since FRIDAY!! Either my scale is broke or I was kicking ass this weekend. I will go with kicking ass! ;)

Weight: 268

Neck: 16 inches

Waist: 49 inches

Hips: 58 inches

Successful distraction and a healthy way to snack 

Posted on 01/09/2012

So last night after my mom left I was really feeling the need to snack. More than that I had been waiting for her to leave so I could SNACK. Ok, ok... binge. I wanted anything and everything. So what did I do??? First I took the time to make a healthy snack. And it took time. Using Chex, Life, Lite Popcorn, and peanut butter chips I mixed them together and then dutifully measured out 1 cup. (I could have had more, I had the extra calories to spare. But I was really trying to stay in control.) Then I signed onto MFP and went through success stories. I looked at pics. I went to runsforcookies blog. I looked at pics. And after all that I just kept htinking I want that to be me! I want to be one of theose success stories!! And just like that, I finished my snack, got ready for bed and went to sleep. No binge!!

So now, what drove me to want to binge?? I THINK it was the pics and measurements. Which, you would think, seeing how awful I look and how high those numbers are, would make me want to NOT eat. But that is just it. The nature of the beast. I see it and think, I am already disgusting. I might as well just say forget it and eat!! I need to stop that thinking. I am better than that. I deserve better than that.
So crises averted. Thankfully. I am proud of myself.

Skinny B**CH 

Posted on 01/09/2012

There is this skinny girl who lives inside me. She has been screaming to get out for YEARS now! In the last year she has become SO much LOUDER and persistant and SUCH a BITCH! I guess it is time to shut her up for good... SO... I am gonna let her out to play!

GROWL! THIS is how you DO IT!!

Posted on 01/19/2012 

After I got the kids in bed I started to get a tummy ache. The last thing I wanted to do was get on the elliptical. So I went and put on my workout clothes to inspire myself. And hour later I was just starting to feel better so I forced myself up on the machine. After 5 minutes I was done. After 10 I just wanted to get off!!! I told myself after I hit 15 minutes I could take a short break and just walk around my living room. I got to 15 and hopped down. I walked for about 30 seconds; refilling my water at the same time. Then I got back on. I pushed to 20. At 20 minutes I told myself I just had to make it to 30 to get my 30 minutes in for the day. I pushed and pushed. At 30 minutes I told myself to just hang in and stay in until the end of the show. The show ended at 36 minutes into my workout. Well, 36 isn't a round number and it was only 4 more minutes to 40 so I pushed some more. At 40 minutes I told myself I could hang on for another 5 and get a good 45 minute cadio workout in. I did it!!! All after I didn't want to get on in the first place. Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAH!